There comes a time when you know you have to say goodbye. When you have tried and tried and the same things keep coming up. When the trying is exhausting and you realize you have built a wall around your heart without really knowing you did it.
I moved out. Packed up many of my possessions, the ones I had hid away in my private space because they were not welcome in the main part of the house. I took myself and my hopes and dreams and said no more and left.
I feel bad for the carnage I have left behind. The tears, the sadness that some are experiencing in my absence. Sometimes, no most of the time, it takes a gap, to appreciate the presence.
I remember years ago when I left my first marriage. I desperately wanted someone to grow with me. Be by my side, as I was by his to see what we could really do in this world. I had spent years taking care of others. My time used to help, be there, foster and mother my two daughters. I took care of the house.
Then as the immense needs of the girls lessened and gave me space to breathe finally; I took a look around and realized I forgot who I was.
What do I like to do?
Who am I?
The process of getting to know yourself all over again is a valiant one, but not one for the faint of heart. You have to get quiet. You have to be still, you have to try things.
Lots of things.
And you have to claim it. Demand that you will take the time, and your life has just as much value as everyone else’s. That may be the hardest of all.
For the nurturer, we get a lot of our value by being in service to others. We see their successes and accomplishments as our own.
But then when they don’t need us so much, what’s left?
A shell of a person who has to figure it all out again. To say yes to what comes along in the hopes of finding our light again.
I had lost my light.
My daughter today, (she always tell me the truth, the kind that really stings) said to me. “When you were there, I would be in the same room with you and wonder where my Mom was?”
I wasn’t myself. I had played a part that I learned and believed I needed to, in order to make things easy.
Not that anyone asked me to, but I fell in line and lost my self.
I cast no blame. If I was going to set blame, I would set it on myself as I allowed it to happen in the first place. Again.
I decided. Months ago, really.
But things weren’t lining up, I needed a job.
I leapt anyway. Into the unknown. Believing my wings would pop out on my way. And thankfully they did. The job came, the new place to live came; with a built-in friend and supporter and people were nice to me.
“You are so brave to do what is best for you.” “It will be ok.” They said and I believed it, and it is.
I am okay. I wish things were easier on the people I left. Even now, I know it is for the best. He will find someone that will be exactly what he needs. He will get to be himself too.
I have learned the importance of being able to be our one true self in the arms and heart of another person. To be able to dance to our own music. To reach for our dreams and believe we can have them. To explore every nook and cranny of ourselves.
These lessons we learn, they can be rough. But man, they are important.
Celebrating me. Again. And hopefully for the rest of my life. ❤ hazel